What really happened in new moon
by Nasty-Duck-Breath
Summary: The true story of new moon. You wont be dissapointed.


I'm so scared. I think he's breaking up with me. Edward had just walked me out into the woods, saying he needed to talk. Night was setting in as he came to a stop and turned to face me.

"Bella, you know I'll always love you right"  
I was shaking with anxiety, my reply sounded like a whimper, "yes"

"Seriously..." Tears welled within his eyes, glistening in the moonlight; he was perfect.

"I need to tell you something Bella…"

"Yes…" This is it I thought to myself, here it comes.  
"Bella… I'm a frog"

"What?" I stifled a laugh.  
Edward quickly removed his fake mask and hopped out of his skin.  
"Ribbit"  
Bella fainted.

Sensing his chance, Frogward then used his nimble slimy toes to removed her jeans.  
Frogward was not a normal frog, he was King Frogward; King of the Small Slimy Rapist Amphibians.

Frogward then pointed his massive frog chest into the air and let loose the might call of the Rapist Frog King.  
"Rawr-bit"  
He had captured his prey.  
The frog raped her.  
The moral of the story, Never trust a frog.

Far off in the forest however Jacob was smelling the anus of a rather attractive Great Dane.  
Until he heard it, off in the distance.  
"Rawr-bit!"

And instantly this plunged Jacob deep into thought.

_Hmmm noises… noises… noises are related to sound… i-pod__ make sounds… kids have i-pods… kids… kids have friends… friends…. Bella is my friend…_ and then it clicked  
"Frogward the evil King of Small Slimy Rapist Amphibians was raping Bella deep within the woods!" Jacob said to himself, it was so obvious.  
Jacob also decided that this was an opportunity to kill two stones with one bird. Two frogs with one bird?... Two birds got stoned?… wait how does that proverb go again?

Jacobs puny mind didn't know the answer. But he did know that only could he save Bella… he could also do it in his true form, let her know the true Jacob.

He transformed… he knew she wouldn't recognise him like this. Because Jacob was in fact not a werewolf. He was a were-fridge. He used the were-wolf as a clever disguise. Jacobs door flapped open as he said,  
"Right! off to save my bitch"

Back within the forest Bella was coming to, coming to and finding a small green rapist frog violating her with a massive green dick. Ahaha jokes. But seriously he was doing it.

Bella was moaning in pain.  
"moooooooaaaaaaaaaan" she said  
"moooooooooooo" she said again  
"wtf?" enquired Frogward.  
"oh sorry, do proceed"

Meanwhile.

Sue-Anne was so happy. Today was the day. Vince and she were getting married. Her breath faltered as she stood there, watching him stride up the isle. He took another step closer.

"This is it she" she said to herself… "I'm in love, and were going to be together… together forever!  
"He took his final steps, and grasped her hands in his.

"I love you" he whispered.  
"Together forever" she replied.  
He smiled.  
This was perfect she thought, he was perfect!

Then a fridge fell on him.  
"Oh shit were am I?" said Jacob.

"YES!" said Frogward, "I have injected my gooey froggy baby egg spawn into your uterus ugly human slut!"

"Oh goody… where's my sexy vampire?"  
Bella was still lying down from when she had fainted.  
Frogward removed his massive frog member from Bella and then strode up her abdomen, walking along her chest until he was standing on her chin, looking down on her face, staring into her eyes.  
He then shat in her mouth.  
"Shut up bitch" he said.

Then out of nowhere, a magnificent fridge burst through the canopy, stealthily landing on its… um… feet? Aha its bottom edge sort of thing.  
"FRIDGE-OB!" Frodward yelled in surprise.  
"That's right you little green rapist freak!... and I'm here to kick your green amphibious ass!"  
"Oh that's well and good, but I don't have a green amphibious ass!... its time you found out who I really am… I am not Frogward I am…  
TOADWARD!"  
"Shitty-fuck-shit-fuck!" said Jacob.  
Toadward was the size of a small dog, and toads are the gross bad ass cousins of frogs so TOADWARD was bad ass, and the fact that TOADWARD gets written in caps even when like no one is talking, you know, he's a bad ass.  
"Well its time you all learned the truth said Fridge-ob"  
He removed his mask… (how can a fridge be a mask ahahahhaha)  
To the shock of everyone around… which is like a frog and a retard.  
"I am a giraffe!"  
Standing in Jacobs.. Fridge-obs… place… was in fact a giraffe.  
"Uh so your like Giraffe-ob now right?" asked Bella  
"Noo… that would be stupid my name is Henry" replied Henry. Jacob. Thing.  
"Oh" said Bella.  
"Well then Henry" Said TOADWARD… "Its time you learnt my identity…

Ok this process continued until Edward and Jacob or whoever the fuck they were at that specific second has gone through the forms of Eminem, every power ranger, Mohammed Ali, Harry Potter, A carpet snake (called Carpet Snakeward), a box of cherries, Queen Elizabeth the sixth's vagina and a pin ball machine.

Bella had started to masturbate due to lack of attention.

In the end there was Edward… who in all actually had revealed his final true form, for real this time, to be the Blue power ranger.  
And Jacob was a toaster. Due to the fact toasters don't have lungs, a heart, brains of respiratory systems of any of these things he was in fact an inanimate object all this time.

Who made great toast.

"Well guess your coming with me now Bella… hey cool a toaster…"  
"Not so fast Blue Ranger!"…"Its time you learnt, my terrible secret!"  
"Oh wait what not another secret identity"  
"Oh no way dude I'm too boring for a secret identity… my secret is I am mothering mutant frog spawn and have hep c though… is that cool?"

The Blue Ranger was not getting pussy whipped by a mummy-to-be. So he back handed the bitch and dumped her ass.

Then he lifted his massive chest to the sky. Opened his jeans and let his massive Blue Power Ranger scrotum hang out, and screamed.  
"FOR THOSE ABOUT TO ROCK!"  
"FIRE!" Echoed Bella and Jacob.  
"WE SALUTE YOU!" They screamed in unison.  
A massive arena and rock stage came out of nowhere and so the three rocked hard and long into the night.

The end.  
For Eviex  
Bye Sammiesx


End file.
